Bill Maher : “Real Time with Bill Maher” Transcript July 30

Bill Maher: [“FAHRENHEIT 9/11” COLD OPEN: BILL MAHER SITS IN ‘CLASSROOM’ WITH CHILD READING “MY PET GOAT,” WITH VOICEOVER BY MICHAEL MOORE.]

MICHAEL MOORE [VOICEOVER]: Where was Bill Maher on that fateful day his Emmy-nominated series was to return to HBO? [laughter] He decided to go ahead with his photo opportunity. [laughter] Now, not knowing what to do, with no one telling him what to do, and no personal assistant rushing in to take him to safety, Mr. Maher just sat there and continued to read “My Pet Goat.” [laughter]

As Maher sat there in that Hollywood dressing room, was he wondering if maybe he should have attended rehearsal? [laughter] Didn’t he know that without him there was no show, and without a show, there was no after-party. And without an after-party, absolutely no chance of getting laid. [laughter]

BILL MAHER: Huh?

MOORE [ON CAMERA]: That’s right, Bill, not getting laid. [laughter] [applause]

[OPENING CREDITS ROLL]

[Applause, standing ovation]

BILL MAHER: Thank you very much. How you doin’? Thank you very much. Aw, please. Sit down. Thank you. Thank you very much. You’re too kind. Please, please! My message tonight is, “Dope is on the way!” [laughter] Sorry, it’s good to be back, and I am still high from the Kerry speech. [laughter] Hey, he gave a speech. At least we know where he stands now. He would never have attacked Iraq after 9/11. He would have attacked Vietnam."


Michael Moore and Bill Maher on their knees pleading with Ralph Nader not to run for president.